


Undeserving

by Gepeng23



Series: Undeserving [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic, swtor - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, KOTET spoiler, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-11 00:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10451244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gepeng23/pseuds/Gepeng23
Summary: Post-KOTET story of a possible romance scenario for LS!Arcann, from his Point of View (POV).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author is an Alliance Volunteer, a Republic citizen.  
> The Outlander is a Male Jedi Consular with a Sith Warrior twin brother. Outlander gave the Alliance Commander title to his Sith twin who later claimed the throne and became LS!Emperor.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It began with a common Alliance Volunteer confessing her heart to the former Emperor.

                                                           

(Artwork by me)

* * *

 

 

I can sense the conflict in her words. My mouth fails to voice a response as she turned away from me. The way she walks with her head down… somehow it made me feel forlorn, but a larger side of me is confused. I’ve never dealt with this situation before, perhaps Mother have useful some insight to this?

“I’m sorry, I know my place. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, I’ll bury this–forget this. I’ll try…”

Those were the prominent words from her yesterday. I’m not feeling what she described to me. Instead of _uncomfortable_ , what I experienced was a change of air around her. “Mother, I…”

A sudden jolt to my heart stopped my speech. It quickly spread throughout my body, sending adrenaline and second thoughts. It seems Mother noticed this.

“What am I seeing now? Are you… _**blushing**_?”

I am already stuttering the response in my mind. What is happening to me?!

“I… I need to tell you something,” and Mother was eager to hear me.

“She told me about the feelings she held for me. That I appear in her dreams when she’s not sleeping, that she was afraid to hope, and how she ultimately accepted that she and I were too different to be united. What should I do about this, Mother? What should I say to her?”

It was the first time in forever since I saw Mother smile like that. “I would say it’s too early to determine where you stand in this,” as her hand rubs my shoulder. “The answer is up to you; take the time to observe, communicate, learn the flaws and features, then decide your heart. The only thing you get from me is my support on whichever choice you take.”

I did what Mother told me. She is different now, more withdrawn and not as lively… others began to notice the change. Talking to her was difficult. She often put herself down, saying how terrible of a person she is. It jabs me a little–I won’t even describe myself as a _terrible person_ , I’m much worse than that.

But now that the thought came into the picture, do I _**deserve**_ to be the man of her dreams…?

“I’m the weakest in terms of spirit, I already gave up on life a long time ago. I think that’s the cause of all the unrealistic amount of misfortunes happening to me.” I only shook my head slowly. Is she acting and speaking like this to garner my sympathy? If so, this isn’t the correct way to sway me.

But the look in her eyes, the way she nonchalantly uttered those words made me believe that it was true. The tone in her voice is void of falsehood. I didn’t know what has happened in her life to judge her that way. Perhaps she is opening up to me because she believed I am someone that she could trust.

As the days pass by, she is beginning to revert back to her liveliness towards other people except me! Conversations with her never lasted long enough before she exit the view. This is quite frustrating! I…

I know she’d always contradict her words–saying things she never meant well. Suffering from a mental disability. Insecurity resulting in harshness towards herself. We are alike in different ways. She is– 

“That look means something’s inside and you want to let it out. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Mother almost saw me blushing again. Never! “…I think I know what to say to her, Mother.”

A nod. “Good luck, Arcann. I spoke to her about this and–”

“You let her know I told you about this?”

“Yes.” No! Mother, why?!

“–And here’s what she said to me…” Ah, that pause. And that smirk. Mother’s teasing me. She knows I want to hear it. “What.”

_“I apologize if this seems brazen… and for keeping this out of your knowledge. I completely understand if you do not approve of this. I will stay out of your son’s way.”_

And what does Mother think of her? “Do you… approve of this, then?” Immediately I almost regret that question.

“No comment.”

Hmph. I expected that. Mother seems to be enjoying this. Watching me in this unusual state. Perhaps… she is reminded of her moments with Father. I walked out of the room and started searching for her whereabouts.

“We need to talk. I have the answer now.”

The expression on her face changed. She followed me to my destination just outside the Alliance base. I saw… a couple in the woods but fortunately they hurried back to the base upon sighting me. I think no one can witness us now.

“A-Arcann–I-I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t brought that up, I-I regret that it has been bothering you…”

“I was the one asking about what’s bothering you, and you gave me an honest answer. I appreciate that.”

Hmm. Why do I think her current demeanor is enjoyable? She couldn’t even look at me. When I placed my hand on her shoulder, I can feel her trembling.

“I will teach you how to love yourself first.”

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst for the pairing.

                                                     

                                                     (Artwork by me)

 

* * *

 

 

There’s only a few people who ceased their resentful glare at me. I actually deserved more. I should rot in a cell or face the justice of the worlds I burned. But Mother and the Outlander wouldn’t allow any of that.

And I know she has been defending me without showing it.

Even though I haven’t made up my mind about what I feel, I’m more determined in keeping my word. Her progress has been desirable but it’s regrettable that I haven’t had as much time to spend with her. Duty calls.

“Couldn’t spare enough people for this so-”

“I’ll do it.”

Driving off those who disrupt the restoration efforts of the Alliance. A job unfit for someone such as me–that’s what Theron thinks. I’m not _Emperor_ anymore and apparently it’s hard to understand for some.

“I’ll go with you.”

Comforting words, Outlander. Albeit not so much with the locals. From mockery to grudges and grief, all of them spat at me. A small portion chose dread upon my figure. “They have every right to let it all out. There’s no need to defend me.”

“It’s my choice. I’m not pitying you, but reminding them of who you are now.”

It feels like Thexan all over again. Perhaps he is still around watching over me, in the form of the Outlander. Recalling how this Jedi behaved towards me not too long ago, I was the one with much arrogance and blood thirst. Even his Sith twin remained calm with reason–it’s as if **power** is an elusive concept to them.

What would he say if he sees me now? Did I make you proud, Brother?

“What! H-how the–” I saw her cracking a joke to Vette, resulting in a cackle from the girl. She waved at me with an eager smile as I approached her. Somehow… it’s become a sight I look forward coming home to.

And Vette still hasn’t finished laughing. “Oh, man, I’ll be going now. Good one, good one.”

Her jovial aura faded as Vette walked away. Something’s on her mind and it’s about me, I know it. She tried to evade spilling it but with… a softer tone, the secret’s out. Look at how the hair on her neck rise up.

“I should have… _researched_ first before saying anything. I… I heard about the rumors of you and… uh… th-the relationship between…”

You mean _Acina_?? Absurd is an understatement! How about this then? 

“And what if it’s true?”

“Oh! T-then… um… I… I don’t know? I-I mean–if it’s true then I-I don’t wanna risk an Empress’ wrath!”

That caught her off guard. She probably wants me to retract the rumor. Again, she turned away from me, escaping. “You should have told me!”

Her eyes are teary. Did I upset her? Break her heart? Against my judgment, I find myself with the urge to stop her –but my step to catch up was halted by a holocall. Mother.

“How are things going? Why are you looking like that?”

“Nothing. Everything is as usual in here. How about you and the Commander?”

That. Smirk. Again.

“I know what it is. Problems with your future darling, I presume.”

“No, Mother–”

“I have to say, the concept of _grandchildren_ is warming up to me. It hasn’t crossed my mind until–”

**“Mother!”**

“I won’t be back until fortnight. Call you again.”

Hours of my life wasted replaying what Mother said over and over in my head. I couldn’t stop it, not even risking my life over the frontier helps. The notion of me being a _**father**_ is extremely far-fetched!

But it’s not impossible… isn’t it?

I saw her returning from her task in the Core Worlds looking lethargic. Perhaps the damage I inflicted was worse than I thought? I shouldn’t be feeling this much guilt–I don’t even know what happened to her yet.

“Nope. This is an order.” Theron left her feeling defeated. That crimson tint on her lips makes focusing a little harder. “There’s an old lady wanting another batch of my homemade cookies… I can’t go anywhere until next week!”

“You can mail or tell someone else to deliver it,” I gave her the most tender smile. Is that even possible? That rosy shade on her face, how delightful. “Can I ask you a question?”

She gets into a defensive state. Yes, I deserved whatever resentment she might hold for me. “Ask away.”

“What are the reasons behind your… feelings? What do you see in me?”

“That’s two questions!”

Glad to see she still have that charm for me.

“You’re… strong. Not only literally but in a lot of ways. I can feel… the gentleness in your gaze, I can sense that you wanted to be something more and you did it. You’re stronger than your Father now. I’d always trust you with my life because I feel safe when you’re here. Safe from myself too…”

Hard to believe… harder to say anything.

“And then you wanted to help me. What you’ve said put me in a newfound strength, I’m not easily crippled by emotions anymore. I’m happy to know you care. Thank you.”

“Those rumors were never true.” I blurted out the most irrelevant response, embarrassing myself. Pull yourself together, Arcann!

“Um… I should probably get going. You might get sick too.”

I still want to talk to you! Two things upset me now: the unknown reason of why am I disappointed at her calm response and being tired of her walking out on me. Not this time. I tugged her arm. “Stop running away fr–”

Suddenly the door opened showing me holding her to Mother, who’s not supposed to be here yet. She quickly closed the door again.

This is not good.

 

 

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Senya makes her debut performance on the Alliance cantina's stage.

                                                           

                                                           (Artwork by me)

 

* * *

 

 

As expected, this impacted her self-esteem and presence around me. It’s been weeks since we talked–as soon as she recovered, she flew on a long term recovery mission. Have I made her more fragile instead? Coming home from Alliance operations have been less rewarding.

It would’ve been easier if I just ended things right there, except I never wanted to. Both of us are making this difficult. I need to make up my mind while she needs to grow a _backbone_. Perhaps… it’s best to let this go. My enemies will see her as a weakness–even attempting for her life. I won’t risk her safety. She deserves better… Better than getting mocked or vilified for loving this bloodstained tyrant.

“You’re denying yourself the chance of discovering new chapters in your life because still, you cling to the past.”

“I’ve thought of everything. She’d benefit less than what she would have to endure if we…”

“I talked to her again.” Mother knows just how to pique my curiosity.

“I do think she is genuine, and afraid as you are. Both of you are in denial.”

It’s not as how you make it sound… “Give her a call. You know she’d appreciate it.” I never did. I think it’s worse to have her suddenly shut the holocomm out on me, if that’s her style.

Over the time people are starting to accept me. I have the Outlander and Mother to thank, although they insist on giving the credit to myself. There are rumors of some Zakuulan wanting me back for the throne and it has reached the Commander’s ears. This must not stand.

“I wouldn’t object that,” coming from the Commander himself. Believable, since he and his twin were dragged into this mess and none of them wanted the throne. “It will take process and oppositions, but it could work.”

“No. Let’s put a stop to this.”

These people were comprised of mostly my Knights and loyalists. They’ve seen the change in me, and would rather have me than an off-worlder as their leader. I shot down the idea. Even if it fails to stop them, let it be known that I no longer desire that seat no matter what happens.

“And then he spoke… **HUTT**! Literally!”

She’s home at last, cracking jokes at the Outlander. He gave her something that made her eyes twinkle… a box of chocolates? She sniffed the sweets dramatically, then skips away. Why is the Outlander giving her a gift?

“Do you think I should change this verse?”

Night draws in with Mother singing her newly written ballad. They’re getting closer each day. It could have been the same with me. Suddenly, she sang the chorus along with Mother, producing a perfect harmony. I could get used to this…

It was the day of Mother’s debut. I saw her sitting alone by the railings, an opportunity for a hopefully long conversation. “Why are you not performing with Mother?”

“Holy–aah!” Startled, she smeared her face with the chocolate she was eating. A dramatic ‘no’ as she watched the chocolate slip and fall down the height. What an amusing sight. “ _Hello_ to you too!”

“You never told me you can sing,”

“I really can’t, trust me.”

How about a bait? “Such a shame. I would’ve liked to see you perform with Mother.”

“I’m nowhere near Senya’s vocal brilliance–she’s such a wonder of a woman.” Changing the subject, are you? It’s also ridiculous that she hasn’t noticed her chocolate-smeared face. I’m trying my best not to laugh…

“Something wrong?” Good for you to notice. My fingers absent-mindedly wiped the stain off her lips. Her face turns red, knees weak, and sweat amassing. I like this. “Oh.”

Seconds of silence. Why do I get the feeling that it’s the end of this conv–

“S-Senya’s about to perform–let’s go s-see her!”

… **If only**. If only I could pull her back using the Force. This is like an itch in my heart that I cannot scratch. Fine. Let’s watch Mother’s performance.

“Let me know what you think about this song.” The cantina’s unusually crowded. I’d like to think they’re here for Mother. I missed listening to her sing…

_“Time has not taken the straight path,_  
_Haunted by echoes of the past,_  
_Stranded in a field of lost hopes,_  
_From ashes to what the future holds.”_

This song hits too close to home. Maybe she wrote this for me? It’s different from the earlier version. Nevertheless, it was a marvelous performance. The crowd cheered as she takes a bow.

“And now, a special guest appearance from my co-writer! There she is.”

“Wha–b-but?!”

The spotlight falls directly on her–this should be entertaining. Good one, Mother!

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little table talk and a little plot twist.

                                              

                                              (Artwork by me)

* * *

 

 

_“Fallen but aware of it,_   
_All given away for a place to fit,_   
_Reaching out from the darkest pit,_   
_Atonement sought for the past misdeed.”_

The only way to make her stop shaking was through the Force. A simple mind trick. I shouldn’t have done that, but I just wanted to _help._ The crowd liked her–more so Mother here beside me.

Her voice is… _haunting_. I can’t stop it from repeating in my mind now. She snapped out of my influence, divided between relief of having performed and disbelief that the crowd actually liked her singing. Unfortunately Vette’s group grabbed her and that’s it for the night.

“What do you think? She’s great, isn’t she,”

Another bait. I’ll take it! “Yes. She makes a nice counter balance to your voice, Mother.”

“Now if only we could get her to sing more… You did something last night, am I right?”

No use hiding it. Not from Mother. I made myself look like a fool by trying to flavor it with something else. Sigh. Have I gotten weak?

“Arcann! Senya! Come join us,” I can’t avoid this, not with Mother pushing me forward. Today hasn’t been the greatest in keeping up my image. I’d pull my hair if I have it, but I’d settle with punching a wall.

“You know, I don’t doubt that you can handle your twin, Outlander, but he’s not like most Sith I’ve met. Have you ever felt that there’s _another you_ , before you met him?”

Gault breaks the ice. The Outlander and his infamous ‘killer smile’ speaks. “Yes… I feel unexplained pain sometimes and I think it was his. It’s a Force Bond, but faint.”

“What about you, Arcann?”

“I do. I have a Force Bond with Thexan.” With his death, I am weakened. Even after years, my power has been changed. But recently I felt a frail echo of it… what could this mean?

“It must have been nice to be growing up with your twin.”

Outlander.

“Nicer if he’s still around. Treasure him and keep him alive, Outlander.” And I’ve created yet another awkward situation. It’s becoming my speciality. But the angelic Outlander thanked me for my advice and changed the subject.

“Say, Arcann. I’ve been seeing you quite often with this particular woman. Is there anything between you two?”

Hylo went there.

“The one who sang last night? If you ever need any advice on this, I’m your guy.”

And Gault reinforced her.

“Oh, is this true? This is good news, then!”

Outlander.

“Well? The question remains.”

Completed by Mother. I honestly feel so _attacked_ right now. I stood up, ready to leave the sabacc game. But wait, it will look like I’m avoiding a confrontation.

“Why not. Can’t I get close to someone?”

Their faces. Ridiculous. I stepped out the second they let out their resonating, teasing, ugly gasps. I need a wall.

##  **_-THUM!-_ **

“WAEH!!” 

Huh? That sounds like her voice–did the cavern walls collapse on her?! “You again!”

She’s… in one piece. The two of us were panting, adjusting our heartbeats and breathing. That sounded wrong…

“If you’re gonna startle me for the third time, I’ll…”

“You’ll do what?” I voiced a little tease to make her nervous. Instead, she took a long pause thinking up of an answer. “Mmmmm-I ‘unno. I’ll think of a punishment later.”

Punish me? _I look forward to that._

“But anyways! Why did you destroy this poor wall? D’you… have a problem?”

Yes, the problem being _you_. “I might have done something that I did not intend to,” I avoided on telling her what exactly–only that she’ll know it soon enough. The look of intrigue on her face will soon turn into either despair or delight. This is my fault. “What are _you_ doing in a cave? Alone?”

“Writing, mostly song. Also flooding up Torian’s social profile–we’re racing on who gets blocked first, haha!”

Simple things entertain simple lives. Maybe I want it, though it’s a little too late. Between retreating from this galaxy and seeking endless atonement, I might not live long enough to accomplish either. In which treasuring moments like this is calming…

“Tell me about yourself.”

“Ohohoo… everyone LOVES to talk about themselves… you’re gonna regret asking me that!”

As usual, her responses are amusingly dramatic. And so began her long list of favorite pastimes, food, aspirations, but asking about family results in a subject change. Prying into her mind is something I shouldn’t have done…

 

 

Because… her family…. I…

 

 

I bombed them.

 

* * *

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will the two of them finally be together?

                                                        

                                                        (artwork by me)

 

* * *

 

 

I can’t do this. I can’t be with someone whose family I took away in front of her eyes. I can’t…

“What’s wr–hey! Where are you going??”

I ran as fast as I could–she knew, she knew about this. She kept it secret. Why? I am the cause of her depression. How could she feel such affection towards me?

“Oh look, it’s the ‘Fallen Emperor’. Fallen in **love** , that is.”

“Shush Mav, that’s risky!”

The rumors spread fast. I have been avoiding her from the past weeks and I know she noticed it. This mistake made it worse. People think we are together now, including Mother. I never told her about my discovery.

“Would you stop mentioning that?” I tried my best to sound… polite.

“See, I told you! You wanna get toasted by his lightning?!”

The two soldiers skittered away. This won’t be enough to clean up the mess I made. Arcann, you never fail to ruin everything.

“Did you know the Commander can sing too? Wanna bet if I can make him sing on stage? Huh? Hey? You alright?”

“What? Oh sorry Vette, what were you saying?”

Look at her. The sadness in her eyes wounds me. Why would she feel safe in my presence? I don’t ever protect. Was she lying about all of this? Revenge by guile? Reel me in enough to break my walls then crush me?

I need to resolve this.

“Why haven’t I seen you taking her out for a date or something?”

“Like we don’t have duties to attend?”

“You two are rather distant for a couple.”

“Since when are we a couple?” Mother needs to know soon, but not until I get a chance to talk to her privately. It feels like years waiting for her to get back from Voss, and me from my own tasks.

But the day eventually came.

“Saw ‘er walkin’ out an hour ago. Ain’t shu’ where.” She wasn’t anywhere near the base, which means she might have gone to that secluded cavern again. I hope I’m right.

**-CRACK!-**

##  **-THUM!-**

What are those–

“Hello Brother. Seems you have your life soaring high, especially now.” But… how.

No. Reasoning with Vaylin is futile. I need to distract her–my lightsaber’s ready. “Nuh-uh. Strike me down and you’ll kill your precious girl here.”

“You want me, Vaylin. You can’t see my life improving if I’m dead.”

It seemed to have worked. “True. I should have finished you off,” She wasn’t screaming at all when Vaylin lifts her off the ground by the neck. I… appreciate your effort on staying calm for me. I’ll save you. “But I think I’d rather take away all the people you love, starting with this girl!”

**No!**

“Argh!” She was thrown away, then pulled back before I could reach her. I heard a bone crack…

“Slithering her way into our family, trying to take my place!”

I gathered my strength to unleash a burst of lightning towards Vaylin, safely away from her. All I care about is to get her out of here before things gets worse. My lightsaber parried and slashed through Vaylin’s form–I see her crawling away from us. Good. Just a few more seconds of distraction…

With the Force, I timed my retreat and picked her up, exiting the cavern with speed. The Force explosion caused by Vaylin’s ghost collapsed the cavern, followed by a tremor. Fortunately, it didn’t last long and we weren’t chased.

I tried to heal her. It wasn’t enough… I rushed her to the medlab. My heart sunk. What have I gotten herself to?

There’s so many things I wanted to say to you. The questions. This desire that I kept pushing away, the hope that somehow things would go back the way it was. Perhaps I would want to see my future in yours. Perhaps I…

You said you were strong. **You lied**.“I-I’m… I’m sorry. She… she didn’t make it.”

How could you do this to me? Not like this… not now! Why is this hurting me to the core…? No, not… not this again!

 

 

…

 

 

I gazed at her as long as I wanted to. Time seems to stop when I kissed her goodbye.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 


End file.
